A TEST WITH BAPAK… From Rozak Tatebe’s ‘Subud – A Spiritual Journey’

A TEST WITH BAPAK…From Rozak Tatebe’s ‘Subud – A Spiritual Journey’ (Page 143)

Rozak Tatabe

…Then Bapak instructed me to sit down to receive the next test. He said, “I will say Allah using my heart and mind and then I will say Allah in a latihan state. Feel the difference between the two.”

He rose from his chair. . .  I closed my eyes and turned my attention and consciousness inwards.

“Allah!” I could hear Bapak’s voice. A feeling of joy and lightness spread in my chest. If this were the feeling when Bapak said “Allah” using his heart and mind, how amazing it would be when he called on the name of God in a latihan state. This was my thought as I waited for the next test.

“Allah!”  I heard Bapak’s voice. The tone of his voice and its expression hardly differed from the previous one, but then something happened which I could never have imagined.

I was in the middle of a terrifying silence. Doubtless, ‘terrifying’ is not a suitable adjective, but it can only be described by words such as terrifying or frightful. There was none of the joy that I had anticipated. On the contrary, all human emotions and feelings had been entirely wiped out. What I was feeling was the silence of a ruin. It felt as though the world had come to an end and all living things were extinct…